12/13/2023 0 Comments Sounds like a plan boysHelp your child talk about what’s frightening him. So what’s the best way to help (without helping too much)? “We want to provide the scaffolding they need to stand on their own.” The goal, she says, is to gently guide kids along until they’re ready to take the reins themselves. “We’re not talking about suddenly putting your kid in his dark bedroom and saying “Bye! Be brave! See you in the morning!” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Of course, this doesn’t mean withdrawing all support. “If kids get the message that Mom or Dad will always be there to do the comforting, there isn’t much incentive, or opportunity, to learn how to do it themselves,” notes Platt. But, though jumping in might help your child be less afraid at the moment (and feel better to you), in the long run, it can make it more difficult for them to learn how to calm down. “We want to give kids the chance to practice getting through difficult situations,” says Platt, “but for a lot of parents, that’s easier said than done.” When you see your child in distress, the natural response is to want to make it better, especially if the fix seems like an easy one. But for that to happen, parents often have to address their own anxiety first. And, while kids do unfortunately sometimes face things that are truly frightening, most garden-variety childhood fears don’t represent an actual threat - the “monster” in the closet is just an old coat you’ve been meaning to donate - which means they actually present an ideal chance for kids to work on their self-regulation skills. “Being afraid sometimes is a normal, healthy part of growing up,” says Elianna Platt, MA, LMSW, a licensed social worker. However, if a child is afraid all the time, or has fears that stop them from having fun or interfere with their daily life, this could be a sign of anxiety and it may be time to get some professional help. Most fears are a normal, natural part of childhood. Managing fears takes time, so be patient and give kids lots of praise. Setting goals that are easy to reach, like agreeing to pet one friendly dog, is a good place to start. For example, instead of, “Oh come on, that wasn’t scary!” try, “Wow, it sounds like you were scared!” Once they feel reassured, you can talk about how you’ll work together to help them be brave. Let your kids know you take their fears seriously, even if they don’t seem scary to you. For example if a child is afraid of dogs, you could say, “What makes dogs scary?” Kids don’t always have the words to explain what they are afraid of. Help your child talk about what’s frightening them. Which means parents have to get comfortable letting kids be a little un comfortable as they figure things out. So how do we help kids start feeling braver? First, kids need practice. Teaching kids how to manage childhood fears on their own builds confidence and independence. But experts say parents can’t - and shouldn’t - always be there to help kids calm down. As parents we always want to make kids feel better.
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